Thursday, April 28, 2005

9:49 PM - and people wonder why Kate Moss only bathes in Spring Water

Breath of Venom Spores

This morning was beautiful. Yes it rained on my head as I left my apartment and walked to work, but it was sunny, too, and I almost suspected that I could turn around any corner and happen upon a rainbow. As some of you know, I've felt very burdened lately, and today was the embodiment of clarity; I will move forward and be stronger for the things I have experienced. The wintery rains might attempt to keep falling, the warmth of spring and summer has already arrived. (Cheesy metaphor!)

I finished a Puzzle Pirate island today, which was nice, since it was due 4 days ago. I felt bad about it, especially since I actually finished the thing yesterday and still spent all day today clearing up problems that arose, but I wasn't the last one to finish and I did pick up the project very recently when I saw how desperately people were struggling to get things done. I had planned to skip this ocean entirely... Now I have something to look forward to when the new ocean is revealed to the world.

In other news, there is a tribute to Terry Sendgraff at CounterPULSE in San Francisco on May 8th. She has been my teacher for over a year and has helped me overcome a lot of fear and pain to get back into aerial work after my shoulder injury. She received a Sustained Achievement Isabella Duncan Award on Tuesday for her work in inventing, performing, and teaching aerial dance. The strange thing is that I never like to call myself a dancer, because I feel like I don't belong. At the awards ceremony on Tuesday, despite being surrounded by the most intimidating luminaries of the SF dance community, I finally felt like I belonged and was entitled to think and to be a dancer, officially. I connected with what a lot of the people were saying in their speeches, I guess.

Oh, one last thing... don't eat moldy bread. :-(

Thursday, April 14, 2005

2:30 AM - as if you needed more proof that yellow is unflattering

marathon pictures!

Here are some photos that I ganked from a marathon friend! Hooray! Finally, something a bit higher resolution. These pictures are all of my fundraising group, because that's how I know Mylinh, and it was her camera. Nyah.


Mylinh and I on the plane. We really bonded on the flight, and all because our last names are close together in the alphabet.


I don't think I'm actually drinking out of that cup, and it's probably a good thing, because I look bad enough as it is. In yellow, no less. Luckily Mylinh is here again, with Wendy. Wendy and I met up near the end of the race, for our brilliant finishing photo.


You may notice that Mylinh appears in each of these pictures. This is our celebration after the marathon, with Kara, our program rep and ivory pillar of moral support.


We were lucky enough to steal Kara away from her obligations and go out to dinner with our fundraising group. These are some of the people behind numerous carwashes, yard sales, Before the Storm, and possibly, now that we are back in civilization, a wicked night of Scrabble. You may already recognize Wendy, Kara, and Mylinh. Added to the mix are Deanna and Suzanne, along with Kara's boyfriend Morgan.

Tuesday, April 12, 2005

2:30 PM - This entry isn't really about pirates, but I was thinking about them.

Yarrr!

Yarr. I always intend to post at least once a week, or even more, to give people a reason to come back. The problem is that I don't like writing about bad things, or negative things, or things that make me feel ashamed somehow (like my little World of Warcraft habit!) so when it's tough times, I tend to just go silent.

It's tough times!

Seriously, everything that is happening in my life right now makes me want to run away to the farthest, deepest, most inpenetrable hole on the opposite side of the planet and leave everything behind. I guess a bit of fascinating insight into the process is that I don't really think about what life in that hole would be like (except for a vague desire for my laptop and World of Warcraft) but instead I think about everything that I would leave behind. Will my friends miss me? What would happen to my furniture? Will I miss San Francisco? I keep focusing on what things would be like without me, rather than focusing on how I want my life to improve.

I want a garden, I want cats, I want a bathtub, a dishwasher, a breeze, access to the ocean. Maybe running water or an ocean or a fountain if I am feeling decadent. But what I really want is not so much an item or an object as a life-- something more intangible. I keep craving isolation but I think that what I want is to be loved and part of a community, and I isolate just as a fear of being judged and rejected. I want to be contributing to something, part of a team, where my ideas and thoughts are respected. I know that money is a tool that people use to get what they need and want, but I don't want lots of money... I just want some kind of inner peace and satisfaction. I think some respect and recognition for what I do would be healthy for my ego, too, and a nice change from the heaps of abuse that seem to keep me afraid of money, afraid of self-reliance, and afraid of doing something new.

My Dad worked at the same company for over 20 years (almost my whole life) until they pressured him into early retirement because of their own financial difficulties. I don't want that to be my life.

It's hard to translate the things I want into a resume or a job description. I feel right now that I would like to change my job, but a lot of what I want to change needs to come from my attitude about how I live, rather than simply change the tasks but keep the lifestyle the same. I really envy writers who get to spend lots of time working on one project, a creative project, from their favorite coffeeshop or garden. I wonder how I would get people to read what I write if I'm having trouble just keeping a blog?

In any case, maps.google.com has been really instrumental in helping me quantify some of what I am feeling and fearing.


This is where I lived when I was in elementary school, 20 years ago.


This is where I lived when I was in high school, 12 years ago.


This is where I lived when I first moved to Berkeley, which was 6 years ago.


I don't live here, but I know 6 different people who live or have lived within the space of these couple of blocks in San Francisco. It's a bit overwhelming for me.
I miss the trees, open space, and freedom. I want to bring that back into my life, while still keeping touch with what I love about cities-- the open-mindedness, the sense of community, the zillions of types of people each doing their own thing.

I do feel like change is coming, is happening, is here already. Thank you for letting me brainstorm at you, and if you have ideas or comments or stories about how you have attained your inner peace... well... I'd love to hear it!

(The good news: World of Warcraft is wearing off. I tend to go through a cycle with these games. I crave them, I play them, I become immersed, I become dissatisfied, and eventually I become disgusted or indifferent enough to quit. I complain a lot, but it is probably a good thing for me that game developers aren't in touch enough with their communities to actually listen to my feedback and fix the things that bother me. If there was an online world that actually lived up to my hopes and expectations, well... I'd probably never make the changes I want in my life. But at least I'd have a beautiful garden in that game. heh)