Tuesday, October 31, 2006

11:20 AM - 2BB

ghosts 'n' goblins

Ahoy mateys. A few moments ago, I was thinking about the latest episode of Heroes and started composing this whole blog entry about one of the characters and how it relates to my life and my deep thought process about it and blah blah and suddenly it struck me:

I was about to become one of those people that writes about television in their blog. And the show isn't even that good.

You guys tend to be intelligent, well-educated, thoughtful, and articulate people, so here's what I am asking for my Halloween wish: What do you read, watch, or listen to? The last few bits of nonfiction have been very interesting but on the depressing side. Does anyone have recommendations? What nourishes you?

Happy Halloween! (I'm Smarties-free for at least 7 years. That alone is worth celebrating.)

Sunday, October 29, 2006

9:13 PM - that wasn't so bad after all

a quick preview

This weekend's show went well. After having so many challenges in putting the piece together, completely ruining my costume, and wondering if my stamina and my shoulder would hold out, everything went remarkably well. A quick preview photo from John Hodgson:



Everyone did a fantastic job with this show; it's amazing how much the technical level of the performers has increased since the show in March. Here's a gallery from the whole performance. I'm hoping to get a video soon, and I'll let you know when I do.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

8:35 PM - down where it's wetter

grrrr.

I spent the whole evening ripping seams out of my costume after I discovered that I haven't matched the lining with the exterior properly. Stupid directional velvet pile grrr.

It's going to be a late night.

In the plus column, I just watched the Little Mermaid for the first time in fifteen years.

Tuesday, October 24, 2006

10:33 PM - I still have nightmares about being 15.

media literacy... what just happened?

Every once in a while, I put away my self-indulgence long enough to explore the world outside of my own little drama vortex. Today, dear reader, is one of those lucky days where you won't be reading about my anxieties about this weekend's performance or about the ridiculous episode of M*A*S*H that was showing in the laundromat this week.

I just read an article about a new computer game called Bully, which is apparently getting quite a bit of press for encouraging violence among youths. The premise is basically that you play a 15-year-old kid who's been thrown out of school and your only hope is a private boarding school which turns out to be a Munchian nightmare of bullies and powermongers. The goal is to rise to the top of the bully hierarchy in order to survive, so basically you spend the whole game in fistfights and bullying other people. It's gotten a lot of negative attention from the usual video game haters, and the same blind support from the same gamers, and it's made by the people who do Grand Theft Auto, and basically the whole story is uninteresting.

Completely uninteresting, in fact, except that if you actually followed the link I gave you, you already know that the newest "scandal" about this game is that you can flirt your way to a boy-on-boy kiss. And the haters are all up in arms and want it to be XXX-rated and pulled from the shelves, and the gamers (who tend to be a pretty homophobic bunch, in my experience) are suddenly defending the kissing the same way they defend simulated graphic violence (which couldn't possibly inspire real-life imitators!), and basically this inocuous little kiss has caused all sorts of people to draw unusual political alliances. (That last sentence is worthy of run-on king Mark Morford.) I'm sure Jack Thompson might have spleen failure if he realized that his gamer-hating antics are reducing homophobia among gamers by giving gamers and queer people a larger common enemy.

Much more importantly, who in their right mind wants to play a video game about being a 15 year old who gets bullied?? I certainly could do without ever experiencing high school again. Even more unreal: if you are a 15-year-old gamer geek who escapes the pain of a real-world high school by playing video games, are you really going to spend that time playing a game where your character gets beat up by bullies??

What's really strange about this (see unusual alliances, above) is that after viewing the video clip I am actually in support of Rockstar Games, the people who publish Bully. Despite my prejudices against them, they actually create a confident gay character who's not stereotypical, not filled with Wildesque self-loathing, and who doesn't get beat up or die as a direct result of being gay. Suddenly Rockstar Games seems very progressive by comparison with most other media portrayals of queer people, especially considering the name of the game is Bully and there are supposedly swarms of meanies stalking the halls just waiting to pummel boys who show any hint of deviation from heteromasculinity. I am utterly shocked, in a positive way, and even more shocked that it comes from the makers of Grand Theft Auto.

Obviously the Rapture is upon us.

Thank goodness.

I am overdue for a good nap.

Wednesday, October 18, 2006

9:08 PM - and those grapes up there are totally like, sour and fermented and stuff

project run away screaming

Tonight was the final episode of Project Runway. (I miss you too, L.) I don't have television, but I was able to get the updates thanks to Blogging Project Runway, which had up-to-the-minute info from the broadcast. I'd seen most of the designs already, too. I have some comments (I can't believe I'm writing about television in my blog again!) but most of them are spoilers. Ye've been warned. Arrr.

If you're on my website, then it's probably no secret to you that I've designed a garment or two in my time. Secretly, in my head, I imagine myself applying for Project Runway season 4 or 5 and being the most incredible design talent they've ever seen. I fantasize about the hijinks that ensue: Santino's dead-on Tim Gunn voice, Vincent's cringeworthy "It turns me on," or me valiantly standing up to my season's flagrant antagonist. Every season has one, and they always make it to fashion week. I know what I would say to that person, too: "You're such a talented person; it's a shame that you only know how to feed that creativity by destroying the people around you." In my own mind, it's very saucy.

This brings me to Jeffrey... he was clearly the season antagonist. His brand of creativity is pretty transparent: take whatever the expectation is and do the exact opposite. If it's supposed to be pretty, make it ugly. If you are supposed to inspire confidence in someone's mom, make her cry. If you're making a couture gown, do it in three fluorescent plaids. The first time it might seem clever, but it is the same old tiresome thing. Maybe living in San Francisco for six years and meeting hippie artists who would say things like, "Is it a dominant paradigm, or is it a paradigm of dominance?" made me more sensitive to the shallowness of this brand of "artistry."

In any case, I can't change the judges or change the judging. But what I've taken away from it is this: even if I was able to improve my construction skills, broaden my scope, and hold by breath in a world full of post-apocalyptic famine survivors, I still wouldn't be able to succeed at Project Runway. I simply can't do the serious ugly that seems to get rewarded.

Oh well, good to know!

Monday, October 16, 2006

7:21 PM - Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Sparklepants

dramamongering

Just a quick follow-up to my post from earlier today. We had rehearsal tonight for the show, and I was sorta a nervous unfocused wreck. Eventually I asked if I could just go in the back room and work on my piece, and I did that. I was struggling, and Serenity came in and found me lying on the floor, sad, in a knot of fabric. And she worked with me for a while, helping me sort out some of the technicalities that frustrated me. I sorta told everyone that I didn't really have much of a piece yet, and I didn't have much to show, and etc. etc... At the end of the rehearsal, they made me put some music I'm considering and put on some lights and just do "as much as I could" of my piece that I am working on, so they could try to get a sense of it.

I ended up doing the whole piece and it was beautiful. I improvised some movements in between tricks, my stamina held out, and there was a ton of positive feedback. The music is really inspiring, and I finally feel like I might have something to show an audience.

Tonight I learned two things: a) I have a drama queen streak and b) I really like to have my hand held. I struggle a lot with self-confidence, even though it is coming slowly over time. But confidence slips away like water, and in a void, my doubt and insecurities consume me. I might never stop feeling fat and ugly and inadequate. At least tonight I was able to surprise myself and accomplish something worth feeling good about.

Thanks for listening! :-D

12:08 PM - a shameless cry for support

the wellspring of inspiration

One of my co-workers has a four-month-old baby, and she says that babies at that age are "sheer will." Well... everything that happens in the next two weeks is going to have to be sheer will for me as well.

I have a performance coming up: October 28th and 29th. I am so not ready for this performance. To my credit, yesterday I was able to do the skeleton of the piece: my 4 main tricks in sequence. It wasn't pretty. Hopefully doing that work yesterday will make me stronger for today, and so on and so forth, but this circus stuff always walks a fine line between strengthening your body and tearing it to shreds. My arms hurt like crazy, my shoulder aches, and I generally feel torn to shreds. I'm also having a low-level stomach bug that seems to be going around, and that makes plummeting out of the sky unpleasant. And let's not talk about knuckle pain. Ouch.

I keep changing my music, thrashing around on costume decisions, and generally feeling not inspired to move forward with this at all. I don't want to drop out of the performance, but I need to gather some serious momentum if I'm going to have anything to show in a couple of weeks.

I'm particularly distraught because Monday nights are our "performance prep" nights where we are supposed to show people what we are working on, etc., etc. And my gut reaction is all kinds of fear and anger and lots of non-productive emotions. But what I really need to do at this point is just maintain a calm, focused perspective and keep running my piece, even if that just means working with my 4-trick skeleton.

In the Artist's Way, Julia Cameron talks about the idea of "Filling the Well, Stocking the Pond." Basically, if you keep trying to be creative and productive without ever drawing in inspiration, you eventually dry up. For an artist to fill the well or stock the pond, they need to go out and fill up on ideas, images, and lead a healthy, nurtured life. This was something I did very well for myself in the Bay Area, but here.... I feel parched. Starved and parched and isolated. And because my circus work is usually motivated by creativity rather than by physicality... well... I don't want to get out of bed.

In any case, I'm looking for encouragement. I need to get back up on this fabric over and over until I can actually do a performance on it. Even if it's a beginner performance. I also think I need to shift perspectives.... I want this performance to feel like triumph rather than like a gnawing, humiliating failure. I'm a little sensitive in the confidence department.

I'd really appreciate some supportive words, I guess. I need to build my momentum and enthusiasm.

Tuesday, October 03, 2006

7:38 PM - I'm a mediavore!

Um.... Woot?

Following the advice of Jacquilynne and .... meow? As in Chinese Opera-singing fantastically creative Meow? Or some other Meow? Anyway, following your advice, I torrented myself the second episode of Heroes. It's been a long time since I've really enjoyed TV, and... I'm enjoying it quite a bit. Except I hope their fake blood budget runs out soon. I'm a little tired of Ms. I Can't Hurt Me.

I'm a bit fascinated that I've got recruiters contacting me for jobs in places which are not San Francisco, but yay for recruiters contacting me.

I joked with a co-worker that Fall came last week while I was on lunchbreak. The leaves are beautiful right now; it's amazing how many can fall from the trees while the trees still seem to have all of their leaves. It's apple cider and pumpkin pie season... yummy!

Sunday, October 01, 2006

10:01 PM - hum the bicycle theme song in your head!

the terrifying answer

I was using a nifty pedometer based on Google maps and looking at walking routes in my old neighborhood in Berkeley and I found not only the building where I lived, but even saw my own apartment and deck. I wondered if you could tell that I lived there, and in fact, the terrifying answer is yes. I can identify my large flowerpots and my patio table.

In other news, I have officially started posting resumés and will actively start applying for Bay Area tech jobs on Monday. aka It is time for me to move back to California. Aiming for a "web developer" type position, but I've got a smattering of skills from database stuff through Flash to art and design. Get to it, my little monkeys!

Bah. I was going to link to a picture of the Wicked Witch of the West and her flying blue monkeys in various menacing action poses, but it's getting late and there are apparently no such pictures on the internet. Once again my attempts at villainy have been thwarted. Bedtime for me!